I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
