party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
