i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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