Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
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