then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
