You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
