Porn is love you can see.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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