I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
