Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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