his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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