I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
