My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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