I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
