Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
