I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
how does that bad decision feel?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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