Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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