Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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