A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
