I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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