So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
