blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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