he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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