Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
