new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
