At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
