I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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