just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
