You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
