it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she smelled like a LAN party
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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