Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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