how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
