btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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