I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
