Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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