...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he fucked my hip out of place.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
