Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
