you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
