And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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