so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
