Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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