I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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