just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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