He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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