The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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