I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
