who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
