wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
