Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
