@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
