Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
