How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
